Porcupine Diaries Part 3 – The Gel

Those spiky things on your back are keeping me away from you!

The two porcupines looked longingly at each other, wishing they could embrace without their quills causing pain. This was a sad moment because there was much that had been said, and even more that had been done to keep them apart. Both porcupines had their quills standing upright in defence, yet in their hearts, they wished that the quills would lie flat – flat enough for them to enjoy each other’s embrace.

He opened the door after a long day at work and found the house dark. She had gotten tired of waiting for him and had decided to go to bed. After all, she had much to do the next day, and she needed to have a good night’s rest. He walked into the bedroom and looked at her as she lay peacefully in bed, wishing she would wake up and give him that loving look that she used to. But things were different now. They had fought over the weekend, and she had since gone silent. So much was said during the fight, words that both of them wished they had never uttered.

We have all been here in our relationships – a place where you want to get close, but some things are keeping you apart. How do we deal with these things and re-establish the bond that we had before? How do we get back together? What gel can we use to bind us together as one?

Forgive

It’s not easy to admit you are wrong. It is even harder to look within yourself and see what you have done to push someone else away. It has to be done, though, and regularly! Every time you have a conflict, forgive. Every time your partner wrongs you, forgive.

Jesus had this to say about forgiveness…

^‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone^[a] who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”’ (Matthew 18:21-22).

Wow. Seventy times seven. Who even has time to count? I guess this means that you forgive over and over without keeping count. And, dear friends, that sounds really hard, until you think about the benefits of forgiveness.

First, you get to show your partner that even if he or she has wronged you, you still love them, and the offence does not change that. Secondly, you have peace, lots of peace, in your heart because you are not carrying around the burden of unforgiveness. Third, forgiving the other person opens a door for reconciliation and restoration.

Try forgiving your partner today. If you can’t do it on your own, ask God for help. Make this a regular practice, and you will see that with time, you will grow closer and not further apart.

Forget

Are you one of those people who keeps a diary or journal listing every wrong thing your spouse has done? When you fight do you refer to things that happened many years ago? Sounds like you forgave, but you didn’t forget! Yes, I know you like keeping those juicy memories as ammunition for a future fight, but guess what – they will ruin your marriage. Nobody wants to be reminded about the wrong things they did in the past, even if they were forgiven.

Can we learn to forget the wrong things in the past? If God did it, and yet our sin was far more serious than a marital conflict, why can’t we?

Hebrews 8:12 “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (NIV)

Psalm 103:12 “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (NIV)

I will say this again – if God can forgive us and forget all about what we did in the past, we should be able to do the same for our spouses, with His help.

Do you have a dossier on your spouse hidden away in a closet or in your mind? Get rid of it. Choose to forget all the pain that your spouse has inflicted on you, and ask God to heal your heart completely. Then start afresh.

Love

Now that all the obstacles that would have kept your defenses are gone, you can love. Love one another unselfishly. Think about the other person more highly than yourself. Give this person your whole heart. As you do this, you will notice that your spouse does the same, then slowly the quills on your bodies go down, and you enjoy each other’s embrace once again. This time the embrace will not be short-lived, because you have learnt how to gel with one another, i.e. how to ‘stick’ together and become one.

Just one more thing – love cannot exist in the presence of unforgiveness. You need to choose which of these will be of more benefit to your relationship. Will you remain in an unforgiving state and far apart, or will you forgive and be drawn together in love?

The two porcupines looked at each other again, this time with eyes full of remorse. They had both confessed their wrongdoings to each other, and tears had flowed freely as they writhed in emotional pain. But now they could heal. Their defenses went down, and they slowly drew closer and hugged. No pricks, no pokes, no stiffening. Just love. Pure love.